10 September 2014
You swore never to be that parent–you know, the kind who brags about her kid being in the 90th percentile on the growth chart? But then you actually became a parent and now you do all sorts of things you promised yourself you’d never do, not that you’ll ever own up to it. Play the one-up game. Your friend’s baby can cruise? Well, yours just started walking. And, no, you didn’t mean to blurt that out the minute your friend shared her big news. But, yes, you did and now there’s nothing to do but drop it (seriously).
Yap about your kid to strangers. There are those moments when you’re so dazzled by your kid’s greatness (“She can say the entire alphabet…backwards!”) that you can’t help sharing it with everyone, including the barista at the coffee shop.
Talk about your kid’s poop. Let’s be honest: Poop isn’t a taboo topic when you’re a parent; it’s socially acceptable pretty much anywhere, anytime. And there’s so much to share, from those epic poops up the back that newborns are known for (particularly in public) to your toddler’s refusal to poop in the potty.
Crash date night. Remember that time when your babysitter cancelled at the last minute, but the thought of takeout in front of the TV again made you so desperate, you took your fussy baby to that new restaurant (the one that isn’t kid-friendly)? The couple next to you didn’t appreciate it.
Overshare on Facebook. You always make fun of your coworker whose Facebook timeline reads like an hour-by-hour account of her kid’s day. But those 25 photos (with captions) that you posted after your daughter’s first birthday party? Yep, that counts as oversharing.
Document your kid’s every move with your smartphone. Maybe not all the time, but admit it: There is that one place (the playground? soccer practice?) where you snap so many photos that people around you suspect you’re actually a paparazzo.
Share those pics at every opportunity. Here’s the thing: Your yoga instructor didn’t ask to see those photos. You just showed her. And you weren’t ashamed when she made a lame excuse (“I need to get an espresso before my next class”) to escape. In fact, you probably thought she actually drinks espresso before teaching yoga.
Leave the restaurant without wiping up the crumbs. There’s been at least one meal out where your kid made such a mess that you just looked at it, tipped an extra $5 bucks, and walked away, grateful that it was someone else’s job to clean it up.
Clog the sidewalk. With the double stroller, the dog, and your toddler walking next to you (because she’s just decided she’s too big for the stroller), there’s no way anyone is getting past you.
Let your kid stand on the left side of the escalator. You’re loaded down with shopping bags, so your toddler is standing next to you, holding your hand, in the walking lane–while angry strangers pile up behind you both. Can anyone speed this thing up?